Sunday, March 13, 2011

Candies are bad for your teeth. Try Something sweeter.

Dear Diary,

I just had a date!

It was supposed to be a lazy day in my pajamas, no scheduled classes today. The original plan was to watch TV, sleep, eat a little, read a book, and procrastinate in general. I found out how boring I was so I decided to go out a do a little grocery shopping, until I received a text.

Movie at 4pm. See you! I know you don't have a choice. LOL!

It was from Karl.

We've been constantly texting and meeting for the past few weeks. Before our texts would consist of usual friendly stuff like "Let's go out!" "This subject sucks" "What's for lunch at the canteen?" until it became "Did you eat already?" "How was your day?" "How have you been?"

Its somewhat got a little sweeter than the normal boy buddies.

I havent really had any confirmation that Kurt is (I'd have to learn to be more comfortable with this word...) gay. He's still a big mystery to me.

Until this faithful day, everything between us changed.

Whenever we meet up, he seemed so excited to see me. He was wearing this body fitting plain shirt that shows off his nice physique, comfortable pants and shoes. He really looked cute today. I quickly shaked my head hoping that he didn't notice. I shouldn't be feeling this way towards him, I mean I don't want to jeapordize my friendship with him. As much as it hurts to say, he's the only friend that I have now and I don't want to risk that with a silly little crush on him.

But when he looked at me, it felt like there was he was going to say something to me and it will just take a few moments for him to fire them away.

We decided go to a mall in the heart of Makati. We agreed to eat first since I haven't had any lunch and ate at this Thai restaurant with a very calming ambiance. It was a weekday so most likely at this time of day there were just a few people dining at the place. It was a nice afternoon setting, just outside you'd see the warm sun, there are plants bursting everywhere, you'd see a couple of people walking probably deciding where to go, or busy employees making a run for a fast lunch, or independent woman you might see in society magazines roaming around in their version of what I call "a park of fashion fruits". It was a perfect lunch date.

Then I snapped out of reality, I suddenly felt lost of word. Are we in a date?! I panicked a little, and what's worst is that he's noticing the sudden awkwardness with the silence treatment he's starting to get from me.

"Is there something wrong? You don't seem comfortable." he asked.

"Huh?" I quickly replied. "I'm just thinking about some stuff." trying to poorly get out of the sudden confrontation.

"Thinking of what?" he sincirely asked. "I'd like to know what you're thinking, it might instrest me. I wanna know more about you."

He said it naturally, efforlessly and in a good sense impulsively.

It caught me a little bit off gaurd.

"What do you mean?" I finally asked.

"Didn't you notice? Why would I wan't to go out with you almost everyday? We've been sort of dating for a while now and you still seem to not get it. You're so cute." he said all that unbelievably with a smile after.

I mentally opened my mouth with disbelief but didn't actually do it for it may ruin the moment. In someway, it felt good. On top of that, I felt my face turn red. I was starting to look like a fool.

Until I mustered up all my courage and said. "You mean we've been dating and didn't even at least try to inform me? Nice strategy you've got there."

We both laughed after.

"I really like you Kent. And its true that I'd want to know you more."

This would be the first time a guy confessed to me that he likes me. And to be honest I don't know how to react and say.

"I like you too." I finally said and then I quickly realized how foolish I was to give off myself just like that. But then I have no regrets.

He smiled at me, with a smile I have never seen before from him.

We watched a movie after and for another first time in my life, I felt his hand on mine. We held hands and didn't care if our hands get sweaty or if people might see us.

It felt just like how Harry Potter first realized that he can weild a wand and do magic. It was an amazing feeling, I imagined there's a paradise of butterflies and rainbows growing in my stomach, I never really felt something like it.

And finally when he took me home (its now legal to say that he took me home, rather that he just walked with me home when I thought we we're just friends.), he brushed my hair like a little boy, laughed a bit and whispered. "I really had a great time. Lets do this again more often."

I wondered, did I just get a second date?... Wait this is more than the second time we dated each other. I mentally giggled at myself like a little girl.

We said our goodbyes and when I went back home, I went staright to my bed and my mind freely went back to just what happened.

I wasn't able to sleep until 3am, I missed a morning class the next day.

Note to Self: If there's something that makes you happy, don't think that reality will bite and it will go away soon. You'll miss the fun in that.

Wishing more blissful happiness,

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Two Ways to Say Goodbye

Dear Diary,

I was able to hang out with Liz today, she texted me saying she wanted to meet me. When I met up with her, it felt like something has changed. She was quite vibrant and happy about something. We decided to go at Starbucks since obviously, we both don't want to do our catching up at school since the brats are just lurking somewhere there, so we needed a place where we could really hang out.

She told me that things came more worst last term, details no need to discuss since we're both over it.

There was something more important things to discuss rather than the insignificant things that would just cause both of us to puke...

"I'm going the the States Kent. I'm leaving after this term." she finally revealed to me."After a lot of convincing with my Dad, he finally decided that its better for me to go study at the US. I can live at my aunt's there."

The revelation struck me for a moment.

"That's good to hear!" I tried to say ecstatically. "I'm sure there are better opportunities there than here."

But Liz was a great mind-reader. She knows instantly if there's something wrong even if you just met her.

"You're not really that excited aren't you?" she asked.

"Of course not! I'm genuinely happy for you Liz . It's just me I'm worried about."

"What do you mean?"

"I know this may sound a bit childish but I feel that I'm gonna be all alone. I mean you're the only one I know in our batch who doesn't hate me, no to mention its hard to meet people in school without at least someone by your side. Its an ocean of strangers out there it overwhelms me." I explained to her.

"I'm sure you're not going to be alone." she said with so much certainty and a smile.

"How sure are you?"

"You'll be fine Kent. I don't know if you know this but I think people will be drawn to you." she instantly said to me. "Well not exactly the kind of people in our batch, the good ones I mean. The reason why you became my friend was not because I just wanted to, but because there's something so interesting about you that until now I can't figure out but what ever it is I'm sure its something good."

"I'm certain there will be someone who's willing to accept you as a friend. Don't rush that much, anyway you just went again on a fresh start." she giggled a little then continued. "And you're funny! Who wouldn't want a funny guy as a friend?"

Though I didn't really get that much of what Liz meant about how people will be drawn to me, it felt comforting when she said that to me. Whatever she meant by it, she said it with heart.

We said our goodbyes after a few almost-teary-eyed conversations. It was sad seeing her go knowing that this may be the last day that I'd be able to hang out with her. With a tight hug and good luck wishes we parted ways.

On my way home, I received a text. I entirely thought it was Liz, but I read a different name. It was from Karl.

Karl: Hey there! Like to hang out?

Its been a week since the day I met Karl. Remembering what Liz said, I realized that I should start meeting new people, so I replied to him and I met up with him at Much 'n Gulp to get a quick snack.

"Hey how have you been? I've been waiting for text but I didn't get any from you, thought you didn't like me." he said with a smile after. "What does he mean by like?" I wondered.

"Silly! hahaha, no I've been just busy with school stuff. Sorry." I awkwardly replied. "How about you?"

Actually I've been wanting to text him but I didn't really had enough courage to do so and I don't really know what to say to him.

''I'm great! Been looking lately for new people to hang out with. Good thing you're here." he said while munching his fries.

"Hey... uhm... How's school been treating you lately? Having a though one?" he asked.

I was caught off guard with his question. I instantly tried to remember if Karl has anything to do with my last term. But as hard as I did I could not have had any encounter with this guy since he's a year ahead of my batch.

"What do you mean?"

"Sorry, I overheard you and your friend's discussion at Starbucks. It's funny you didn't notice me there, I wanted to say hi to you but given the serious discussion you're having with your friend, I did not bother to." he  explained.

"Geez, this guy is everywhere."I said to myself.

"Its okay, just as long you won't say anything to anyone." I said to him without sounding a little annoyed. "I just hope everything change for the better this time."

"Just stick with me then! Everything will be fine." he immediately said to me. "So smile, lets start a good year."

So it did ended with a smile. We went to watch a movie after, and the rest of the day was just pure laughter with Karl. He has so much light and positive energy within him it consumes me.

And by the end of the day when be both parted ways, I knew that this time...

I would not be alone.

Note to self: The best way to give life a chance is to start living.

To memories that will last,

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What's Next?

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at school, my palms were sweating crazy I didn't know what to do. This day was sort of like a hiding in the bushes type of day to hide from those people who made my 1st term suck- off. Fortunately, this day was a Regina George free day. Unfortunately, I didn't had anyone to talk to nor at least say hi to.

I did had a group I used to hang out before, but it was like for the sake of being able to have people I can hang out with. Although they're really nice people, I didn't really feel that I belong. 

But there was one person I was able to constantly hang out with and may count as a friend, Liz. She's really nice we we're like sort of the "outcast" of our block before. We got along really well since we both loathed the brats that ruled our block. But now since we're both irregular students I don't really get to see her that much especially because she's way ahead the subjects that I'm taking as of the moment. Though I also know this girl who I used to hang out as often as I hang out with Liz but I keep forgetting her name. Do you find it funny that I suck on people's name? So yes as pathetic as may sound... I'm a loner.

As if not enough, I would have to live with my brother Bart for the rest of my college life whom I despise since the day I was reproduced. When I went home, he acted as if he's the owner of the unit we are renting right now which is just a walk away to school. We used to live with our cousins, but he decided without asking my opinion to move out to experience "independence", doing all this during my vacation out of the country. Honestly this move made a big impact on me which was way over my comfort zone 'coz I got so used to living with my cousins since start of high school and because I really detest living with him.

So, to distress myself I went out for a while and have an evening walk in the polluted streets of Taft Ave. where we now live and get something to eat. I'm not complaining since at least I get time off from all the drama.

I went to this nice restaurant named Munch 'n Gulp, regardless of its name it has a nice and warm ambiance with just a few people hanging out. "This is perfect." I said to myself.

While eating I realized how alone I was, I looked outside the window you'd see group of friends wondering where they would go next and couples enjoying each others attention. If I was in a middle of a movie, the song Mr. Lonely would play freely in the background stabbing me at my back.

And then flashbacks of thoughts during my vacation went back to me. One mainly on the idea of having a relationship. Since the day I found out that gay relationships do work out, I never really separated myself from thoughts of being able to experience that. I realized how inexperienced I am in the world of love. I mean my ideas and perspectives about love doesn't  really count. Don't even get me started with my first REAL kiss since that relationship stared and ended at the same day we dated.

I sometimes think that being so young makes you want to do everything that all adults are capable to do. And for me, the earlier I would be able to to that the better since you'll be able to know what to do next.

I realized how much exited I've become to discover what it feels like.

Status: Ready to date

While I was so consumed with my thoughts, I heard a bang of chairs being pushed on my side. It was this cute guy who's trying to sit down while holding notes and a tray full of food on both hands. I tried to help him by pulling the other chairs that distracts him from sitting.

"Thank you." he said.

"No problem." I said and I tried to smile a bit. I went back to my table and while I was having a sip on my drink, Karl caught my attention by waving at me and said "I'm Karl by the way, I see you're new here."

"Yeah we just moved in. I'm Kent, nice to meet you." I said and we shaked hands for formalities.

It was a short conversation since I was just about to finish my food. When I was getting ready to go Karl said to me, "Hey, maybe you could hang out with me and my friends next time. Mind if we change numbers?"

I had a sudden thought that this Karl- guy seems to be a nice guy and seeing that I would need to met new people I didn't hesitate to give it to him.

Just when I was about to go out of the place, I received a text. It was from Karl.

Karl: Just checking. :) Thanks again, hope we could hang out soon. See you around!

I could not help my self and smiled big and gave him a small wave of my hand.

I turned around, and then I realized this would not be the last day that I would hang out with this guy.

Note to self: Don't wait for adventures to come to you; you can make your own adventures by being both creative and spontaneous, all you have to do is believe.

To new beginnings, 

Monday, January 31, 2011


From a torn out page from my old-er diary.

I had to go, everything's a mess!

I just started college and I didn't expect it to be like this. It's a jungle out there, people stabbing each other's back. I can't stand it. I've always wanted to be invisible and under the limelight when it comes to issues and stuff, but turns out this school is like a grapevine where people will eventually find "the dirt" even if you think you didn't have any, nor even if you're the nicest person in the world. I wouldn't even want to say what those issues are 'coz from here on, I decided that it's a waste of my childish time.

I need a refresher; anyway it's just been a few months since I graduated from high school. I'm just skipping a  term just so I can avoid these people who made an ish  out of me. I'm sure you'd think I'm escaping and that I'm such a big coward, but hey who needs crap in your life? I don't.

And as if its not enough, right now I don't have any idea of what I'm doing with my life right now. You see, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Its been two years since I accepted wholeheartedly that I'm gay. But honestly... I still don't get it. Did I just say that? So that makes me still sort of new to the club.

Its just so recent that I found out that gay people nowadays aren't the typical parloristas we used to know. Now, especially here in the city, you won't even know who's gay or who's not. Now, guys who looks so perfect and who looks so good wouldn't pass as a straight guy. And what makes that more interesting is that the other guy whom he's holding hands with is as perfect as he is.

I know, I know. It sounds very subjective, but that makes me believe that gay people can and is capable of finding love. We wouldn't be lonely anymore for the rest of our lives. And more importantly... I would get one of those love stories I imagined in the middle of my math subject. Generally speaking and the root of this all cause is that I want to know what it feels like. What's that word again? AH! Love, with fruits bearing relationships and commitments.

So, as egoistic, vain, narcissistic or whatever you may want to call it I can't go out there looking like Harry- Potter- gone- Asian- slim. I'm flying abroad not just to escape the hell of the hallways of my school, but also to improve on myself. They say that you should always be prepared when you're about to go to war, so what am about to do serves as my boot camp. The best way to fit in is to be like them. I would be like that geeky character in the movies who looks so bad at first and turns out to be a good- hearted head turner in the end.

And here I am packing my bags, ready for a trip to go abroad where Mom works. We go there every Summer but when I asked her if I could skip a term, she instantly said yes without even asking anything. Like a fairy- god mother, she just said yes answering one wish that I think I would need the most.

But although it may sound fun, there's still one thing that bothers me and something I haven't really thought of in my take-over-the-world-like-plan...

That if love gets into me... What would I do with it?...